A year in my shoes.

A year in my shoes. my twenty-sixteen

Twenty seventeen is here in 16 days and at first I was like ‘bring it effing on’. I’m exhausted, flat out broke, ready for a fresh start [all that New Year, New Me bullsh*t] as I felt my year had not been anything great.

Yes, I’ve travelled (5 countries this year), smashed goals and had some of the biggest career highlights; things I’d been chasing for half a decade, but I felt like a fraud looking back. Of course we only tell people what they want to hear and we only post on social media what we want others to see. #lifeonfleek

This past year has been probably my hardest one yet and there has been a lot I have not shared in its entirety nor have I been able to fully express my struggles and emotions. I seriously cannot remember having this many anxiety attacks, fits of rage and tears like I have in the past 12 months. Being so estranged from what I though was ‘my world’ and my own self; I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose yourself. This past year has been a journey of rediscovery; I truly lost who I was, what I loved and where I was going. You reach a point when you can no longer count the amount of devastation you’ve been through. But after each hardship, examine yourself. You’ll find that a better, stronger, more incredible version of yourself has emerged from the wreckage. Hopefully you realise to never regret the risks you’ve taken, or be ashamed of your failures, because they put you one step closer to your final destination. Every soul needs fire to transform; be brave whilst you burn, you are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.

This past year I have lived alone for the first time and I encourage anyone in their 20’s to do this once; you will be surprised on how much you learn about yourself. I will admit there was a fair share of lonely moments (especially living away my home town) and I did forget to look after myself. My emotional and mental health was on the verge of breaking point, I stopped socialising and threw myself into my work as an escape, I ate poorly and I gained close to 10 kilos. In my darkest days I felt that so much of who I thought I was, was taken away from me. But enough was enough; I could not live in self-pity anymore, one day I said to myself ‘girl, you cannot live like this, you’re fuelling the fire’. I’m glad I lived alone, as only you can fix yourself, only you can motivate yourself! I started to get out of the house, do more with family and make more effort with friends, minimalised my lifestyle and it was such a breath of fresh air. There is something amazing about self-discovery; you grow into a better version of yourself.

I find myself going back to what I am grateful for to remember who I am. Three places that make me feel whole: a plane – ready to discover the unknown in a whole new world. Two, being around those I love the most and lastly I’ve always loved the shower – having the hot water cleanse my mind body and soul. I challenge you to ask yourself what are your three places that make you feel whole again and why? Looking deep down to the very depths of who you are, what would you find? I would find that I am fierce, loyal, independent, intelligent, amazing at my job, a caring soul with so much love to give, beautiful, funny, I put others first, I’m daring and loveable.  Sometimes you have to step outside, get that air and remind yourself who you are and what you want to be.

After some gratitude journaling and reflection, my 2016 was also pretty darn amazing; I had the courage to leave behind a toxic relationship, I moved back to the people that mean to most to me to ensure I had the best support network around, I’ve booked an amazing holiday to Europe with my Biffle (BF4L), I’ve grown a backbone, learnt what to give a f**k about and what not to, learnt whose opinions matter and those that don’t and who to distance myself from and who I need to make time for. Slowly I’m learning to let go of the things I cannot control, I am finding a love for myself again & I know what I am capable of.

“I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose yourself.”

I leave you with this; the 7 Rules of Life:

  1. Make peace with your past so it won’t disturb your future.
  2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  3. The only person in charge of your happiness if you.
  4. Don’t compare your life to others.
  5. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
  6. STOP thinking so much, it’s alright not to know all the answers (something I have to tell myself daily).
  7. Smile. You don’t own all the problems in the world