Because I will have to wonder for the rest of my life why I wasn’t enough…

The scariest part is not feeling the loneliness or the darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness. It is the realisation that you’ve completely lost yourself. You lay there all hours of the night not being able to sleep and you cannot cry because you’ve lost the ability to care. Not enough words can string together to describe all of the pain, the guilt and the self-doubt I have suffered through.

 
Heartbreak is breaking down in the middle of a busy street, seeing their face in all the people that pass you by. It’s feeling okay for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden, you feel the ghost of them upon you; around you and the memories begin to choke you up. Heartbreak is waking up from dreams of them coming back into your life and your chest begins to ache. You learnt my secrets, my scars and all my flaws and then used them against me. Sometimes I want to wake up not remembering anything about you!

 
I still struggle knowing that I loved you to the point I sacrificed my own happiness for you. I became a watered down version of myself, fading into the background of your life, afraid of saying the wrong thing. All I craved was effort, to feel appreciated and to be shown affection. The treatment I deserved! I gave my time, effort, patience and love into something that felt like situational hell in the end. I was trying to be good enough for someone who was comfortable mishandling my heart. It’s a lonely feeling when someone you care about becomes a stranger.

 

Somewhere along the way I gave up. I got tired of always trying to make everything okay and apologising, because I wanted you in my life. I was hoping for things to go back to the way they used to be , then I realised you didn’t care. But then came the point when I drew a line and I made a decision for both of us. Moving past it all is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure, especially when I saw our future. I’ve had to allow myself to be sad, I’ve had to allow my self to be angry (for which I still am) and I’ve had to learn to love myself again. Time will heal those wounds and rather than avoiding the bruises, it’s about collecting the scars and fighting to become a better version of myself.

“I’m never going to be the girl who’s okay with being controlled, and I’m never going to to be the girl who’s okay with being half loved… I’m also never going to be the girl who apologises for those things, ever again.” – Cici. B | The Crimson Kiss

I stood by your side; I didn’t walk away, you pushed me away. Somedays I still have to take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone will break me like you did. Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.

Do You Examine Your Life Enough?

I like to be a life-examiner; I journal, I blog and I now talk through my experiences, emotions & reactions to help me understand my life. I can now easily say “Yes” to the question of my blog, but can you?

Most will probably say maybe or I don’t know? If that is you, take the next few moments to really analyse yourself. Take a step back and examine your life and where you are in it. If you love your answers,  great! But if you don’t like your answers, then that is where the work on yourself begins. In the coming weeks I will address my own answers but for now, grab a journal or a piece of paper and see where these questions take you? It’s a rainy Sunday and reflection time sets me up for the week ahead.

“Self-reflection is a humbling process. It’s essential to find out why you think, say, and do certain things… then better yourself.” – Author Sonya Teclai, TheGoodvibe.co

20 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself.

  1. What do you really want in this moment, right now?
  2. How do I want to be loved?
  3. Who do I need to forgive?
  4. Am I in my body?
  5. Do I love myself exactly as I am now?
  6. What did I love as a child?
  7. What would I love to learn?
  8. What is my super power?
  9. When was the last time I felt truly joyful?
  10. Who is my community?
  11. What is beautiful to me & do I have some of that in my life?
  12. What can I let go of?
  13. Do I know the sound of my own true voice?
  14. What practise consistently brings me home to myself?
  15. What do I want my legacy to be?
  16. What have I done for myself today?
  17. What is my story?
  18. Have I planned for my own death and my survivors?
  19. How can I speak with more love today?
  20. Can I ask a better question?

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Metanoia

When we know who we are, we are more able to live with intention. As most of you already know, this past year has been a journey of rediscovery for me; who am I and where do I want to be in life? For a month now I have been super quiet, apologies! I’ve been reflecting on the past, finding out where I am at right now and mapping out what’s next for me.

After a lot of journaling over the Christmas/New Year break, some quality me time and catching up with a friend I have not had one on one time with in way too long, I had one of those light bulb moments. That moment people call an ‘Epiphany’, but I like to refer to it as ‘Metanoia’; the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.

I found myself saying “I value who I am, I love my life, I know I am worthy and after ever hurdle look how much I have accomplished.” I can proudly say I am so content with where I am and who I am right now. For so long I have been trying so hard to get back to that girl I once knew, the one who I felt was taken away from me. I loved that version of me but I am not her anymore. I still hold onto her dreams, her values, her optimism but as life’s hurdles approach us, they shape us, move us and we grow.

If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation. – Jiddu Krishnamurti

You may feel very secure in that pond you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know there is such a thing as an ocean. Holding onto something that is bad or good for now, may be the very reason why you don’t have anything better. Close your eyes and envision where you see your life in five years. Don’t get hung up on the details you feel you’re suppose to know (career, savings, marital status) but instead focus on the aspects of your future that are important. Do you see yourself in a new city, learning a new hobby or feeling a certain way? Can you ever be sure you are on the right path in life? What path do you see yourself on now, describe it to yourself. Did you have to make sacrifices to get there? What would you change?

Life isn’t fair, but its good. I find it great, but we all have our lows. When in doubt just take that next small step. Life is too short to fill your life with things and people that no longer serve greater purpose in your life. Burn candles, use the nice sheets, wear that fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special! Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. And no matter how you feel, get up, get dressed and show up because those simple steps helped me more than you know and the best is yet to come.

I ask you this: Is there a difference between happiness and fulfillment? What does it take for you to be happy? What does it take for you to be fulfilled? Are the qualities the same?

Lost Girl.

So you’ve hit your mid 20’s, are you feeling as lost as I do? Things start to take place that make you realise your growing up, maturing and time is moving way too quickly. They start as little things like all the brunch dates, going to bed early and preferring to stay in on a Friday night (I’m legit on the couch with Better Homes & Gardens in the background and… loving it). Or they can be monumental, such as graduation, promotion or those friend’s weddings I keep harping on about.

I never went to University, I couldn’t make up my mind what to even study. I remember in Year 10 having those meetings with the careers advisors, being fed all the information about choosing the right subjects for the HSC and asking us what career path we wanting to pursue. If you were like me and started school younger than the majority, you came home to your parents feeling overwhelmed & consumed. “I’m fifteen years old and I need to have an idea of a career now!” I did not pursue either of the two career choices I had in mind. I’ve now been with the same amazing travel company for 5 years, I moved up the ranks quickly; I was an assistant manager at 21, manager at 22 and I’ve been a global consultant. My job has opened up so many opportunities especially at such a young age and now I get to see the world through new eyes multiple times a year. In the past five years alone I have been to 17 countries, some of those more than once and in three months’ time I will be off again. Seems amazing right? Well, I’m not gunna lie, it is!

But behind all my exciting adventures you see, my life has also consisted of incredible heartbreak (more on that another time), battling anger issues & anxiety, taking anti-depressants short term just to get through everyday life without losing my sh*t, gaining 12kg not once but TWICE in five years! I’ve lost long standing friendships and I’ve lost a best friend to suicide. Everyone has their battles and this is just some of my story. I’ve now moved back to my home town to work on me, to find the me I once knew but a better version. I have no true direction of where I want my life to go just yet but I know I am in a better place.

“She has been through hell. So believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles” – e.corona

I’m a lucky one, I know I’m strong enough to tackle it all. Life keeps moving forward and so must I. Grow through what you go through. I had a good friend recently tag me in this:

“She made broken look beautiful & strong look invincible. She walked with the Universe on her shoulders & made it look like a pair of wings.” – Ariana Dancu

So if life has handed you some lemons as well, here are some things that make me feel a little bit better about being completely lost and starting over after twenty-five:

  1. There really is no rush; these years are totally acceptable to move back home, be single, be broke and have Mum cook for you (but be grateful!). Breathe it’s okay to take a few steps back to then move forward with your life.
  2. The smallest things can have the biggest impact. Don’t take things for granted, count your blessings.
  3. Appreciating little things. Family always want to see you, Mum loves cooking for you (which seriously is the best after years of cooking for yourself or lack of some nights), love the rainy days inside at home with a good book and coffee dates with friends.
  4. Learning to be patience with the struggles so you can enjoy the success that comes after.
  5. You’re twentysomething; it’s the perfect time to be reckless, adventurous and carefree.
  6. Going on dates – the good, the bad & the ugly. Trust me I have some epic stories and have met some amazing people.
  7. It’s a time to be fierce, be brave and take chances.

“Sometimes you just have to give yourself the pep talk like “hello, you’re a queen, don’t be sad, you’re going great and I love you.”

-you got this!