The scariest part is not feeling the loneliness or the darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness. It is the realisation that you’ve completely lost yourself. You lay there all hours of the night not being able to sleep and you cannot cry because you’ve lost the ability to care. Not enough words can string together to describe all of the pain, the guilt and the self-doubt I have suffered through.
Heartbreak is breaking down in the middle of a busy street, seeing their face in all the people that pass you by. It’s feeling okay for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden, you feel the ghost of them upon you; around you and the memories begin to choke you up. Heartbreak is waking up from dreams of them coming back into your life and your chest begins to ache. You learnt my secrets, my scars and all my flaws and then used them against me. Sometimes I want to wake up not remembering anything about you!
I still struggle knowing that I loved you to the point I sacrificed my own happiness for you. I became a watered down version of myself, fading into the background of your life, afraid of saying the wrong thing. All I craved was effort, to feel appreciated and to be shown affection. The treatment I deserved! I gave my time, effort, patience and love into something that felt like situational hell in the end. I was trying to be good enough for someone who was comfortable mishandling my heart. It’s a lonely feeling when someone you care about becomes a stranger.
Somewhere along the way I gave up. I got tired of always trying to make everything okay and apologising, because I wanted you in my life. I was hoping for things to go back to the way they used to be , then I realised you didn’t care. But then came the point when I drew a line and I made a decision for both of us. Moving past it all is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure, especially when I saw our future. I’ve had to allow myself to be sad, I’ve had to allow my self to be angry (for which I still am) and I’ve had to learn to love myself again. Time will heal those wounds and rather than avoiding the bruises, it’s about collecting the scars and fighting to become a better version of myself.
“I’m never going to be the girl who’s okay with being controlled, and I’m never going to to be the girl who’s okay with being half loved… I’m also never going to be the girl who apologises for those things, ever again.” – Cici. B | The Crimson Kiss
I stood by your side; I didn’t walk away, you pushed me away. Somedays I still have to take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone will break me like you did. Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.